


The Loveprize Picture Show (A Musical Mashup)

by Dotty_Scrivener



Category: Finder Series, Rocky Horror Picture Show, You're My loveprize in the Viewfinder
Genre: AU, Cross Over, M/M, Mashup, Multi, Twisted Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-14
Updated: 2016-02-16
Packaged: 2018-05-20 12:10:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6005401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dotty_Scrivener/pseuds/Dotty_Scrivener
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Finder characters perform a musical inspired by The Rocky Horror Picture show. There are references to events in the Finder series and events in Rocky Horror. All songs are based on tunes from Rocky Horror. Asami and Aki take on roles similar to Brad and Janet. Fei acts in a role similar to Frank N. Furter. The whole cast of characters is involved and there is audience participation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Act I

**Author's Note:**

> Contains offensive humor, some sexual content, and questionable rhyming patterns. If anything in the original sources for this mashup bothers you, you should skip this. In the same vein, if you don’t like silly humor, this is not for you.

**Preshow**

  
At 11:50 PM in an aging art-deco style theater, the stage is empty and the heavy black curtain is down. Doors to the seating area open. There is the noise of a crowd talking from the outer area.

Kirishima and Souh are first in the door. Kirishima is dressed as Asami (he wore contacts and a better suit) and he is carrying a large briefcase. Souh is dressed as Aki, and it looks silly on him. Souh has a hoody but the sleeves are too short for him, and the jeans hang from his hips exposing a less than youthful lower belly. He has a camera around his neck and carries a large backpack. Both men have a bulge about the size of a gun under their shoulder area. They sit front row center.

Kuroda saunters in next. He is dressed as Feilong. He has a wig of long, black hair and a Chinese silk outfit. He did not get contacts and still has to push his glasses up his nose with the middle finger of his right hand. He is wearing high heels and tries to look willowy. He has a fancy red umbrella and a large silk drawstring pouch in his hand. He undulates into the back row. He puts the umbrella on the seat to his left and the bag on the seat to his right. He stretches out his legs and puts his feet on the top of the chair in front of him.

Other people filter in: Yamazaki, Takato, Kou, and many others you may recognize but whose names are not known. They are dressed as businessmen, gangsters, and photographers. They carry suspicious looking bags. They settle in the middle of the seating area. The lights go down.

**Act I**

     Audience: Let there be hips!  
*A neon outline of Aki’s buns is dropped in front of the curtain and lights up*  
     Audience cheers

  
*Ai, dressed as an usher, appears in a spotlight on the front of the stage.*  
*Cue music*

The Finder Extra Feature Picture Show  
(Tune of Science Fiction Double Feature)

Ai: Asami heard cries when he claimed his loveprize  
     Audience: Akihito  
Ai: But he told us he’s a fan  
     Audience: of cheeky boys  
Ai: And Aki was there without underwear  
     Audience: Kinky  
Ai: Kirishima was the enforcer man  
     Audience: Throw him to me  
Ai: But then something went wrong  
     Audience: For whom?  
Ai: For the jilted Feilong  
     Audience: Nice hair!  
Ai: He got caught in an obsessive jam  
     Audience: Cherry jam?  
Ai: Then at a deadly pace, Fei came on  
     Audience: What?  
Ai: Aki’s face  
     Audience: Thank you  
Ai: And this was how Fei fixed his plan:

Ai: Yaoi fiction, extra feature.  
Asami wrecks  
     Audience: sex sex sex sex  
Ai: and loves his creature.  
     Audience: Little monster  
Ai: See gangsters fighting  
     Audience: and fucking and sucking  
Ai: Mikhail Abratov.  
     Audience: Asshat  
Ai: Tao first appears in  
     Audience: Be nice  
Ai: Flower in the High Lof’  
     Audience: Freaking backstory  
Ai: Oh, oh, oh oh, oh oh oh  
     Audience: Where’s your panties?  
Ai: In the Finder’s slightly twisted love photo

Ai: Neither Takato nor Kou  
     Audience: Dumb shits  
Ai: know the Naked Truth now  
     Audience: Never will  
Ai: or when hostages against their wills  
     Audience: Dumb shits  
Ai: And I really got hot  
     Audience: What’s new?  
Ai: When I saw Aki got  
     Audience: What he wanted  
Ai: On his knees for Asami’s thrills  
     Audience: Our thrills  
Ai: Now Fei’s a friend, sort of  
     Audience: Fuck buddy  
Ai: And it’s Escape and Love  
     Audience: Escape and fuck  
Ai: And healing trauma took lots of skills  
     Audience: Yay rectal muscles!  
Ai: But remember this  
     Audience: What?  
Ai: Pray in the Abyss  
     Audience: On your knees  
Ai: It’s gonna show you some traitorous shills  
     Audience: Sudou sucks  
Ai: Like a  
     Audience: Fuck

Ai: Yaoi fiction, extra feature  
Ai: Asami wrecks  
     Audience: sex sex sex sex  
Ai: and loves his creature  
     Audience: Little monster  
Ai: See gangsters fighting  
     Audience: and fucking and sucking  
Ai: Mikhail Abratov  
     Audience: Asshat  
Ai: Tao first appears in  
     Audience: Be nice  
Ai: Flower in the High Lof’  
     Audience: Freaking backstory  
Ai: Oh, oh, oh oh, oh oh oh  
     Audience: Where’s your panties?  
Ai: In the Finder’s slightly twisted love photo  
I want to to know, oh oh oh  
What happens next in the Finder picture show  
By Ayano  
wo oh oh oh oh  
We want to know  
     Half the audience: Fuck the speculators  
     Other half: Fuck you too, nonspeculators  
Ai: oh oh oh oh  
What happens next in the Finder picture show

*The lights go down and Ai leaves the stage*

  
*Curtain rises. The scene is a street somewhere in Tokyo. Center stage, Shinotaki-san (the photographer from the Chapter 22 extra) and other photographers are taking photos of Representative Shouzo Kamiyama (the politician from Chapter 41) being arrested. Asami, Aki, and a few random people are watching from the sidelines. Asami and Aki are stage left, closer to the center and front than other passersby.*

     *Audience cheers and takes out handcuffs and cheap cameras. They attempt to cuff each other and take flash photos.*

Shinotaki: Representative! Over here! *Takes a photo when Shouzo Kamiyama looks*  
     Audience: What an ugly politician!  
Shouzi Kamiyama: No comment.  
     Audience: No kidding.  
*Shouzi Kamiyama glares at Asami*  
*Asami glares back*  
     Audience: Scary  
*Shinotaki walks over to Aki*  
Shinotaki: Next time, you’ll get the scoop.  
Aki: You bet.  
     Audience: Baka  
Asami leans in towards Aki: Who knows?  
     Audience: The Shadow knows  
Shinotaki: I’ll see you later *Walks away with other photographers*  
     Audience: Old fart  
Aki: Asami, wasn’t that great?  
     Audience : No.  
Aki: Wasn’t that an awesome shot of the arrest?  
     Audience: No.  
Aki: Isn’t it a shame I don’t have my camera with me?  
     Audience: No.  
Aki: A few minutes ago, he was a powerful politician, and now  
     Audience: Now he’ll be someone’s prison bitch.  
Aki: Now he’ll be behind bars.  
     Audience: and someone’s bitch.  
Asami: Yes, that was a lucky break.  
     Kuroda (from the back row): Lucky hell. I busted my ass for that!  
     Kirishima (from the front row): Your ass was already busted  
Asami: He might get out of probation in a year or two.  
     Kuroda: Not if I have anything to say about it.  
Aki: Yes.  
Asami: Hey, Aki…  
Aki: Yes, Asami?  
Asami: I have something to say.  
     Audience: Say it Asami!  
Asami: I really…  
     Audience: starts with an L!  
Asami: Like the skillful way  
     Audience: You suck my cock  
Asami: you beat the other photographers  
     Audience: Beat me! Beat me!  
Asami: To the original scoop.  
     Audience: He loves you, baka.  
Aki: Oh, Asami!  
     Audience: Sing it, Asami

*Cue Music*

Cocky Aki  
(Tune of Dammit Janet)

Asami: Well, I’m not going to get all talky (Random people: Aki)  
Asami: But though the path’s a bit rocky (Random people: Aki)  
Asami: And I can be kind of stalky (Random people: Aki)  
Asami: There’s one thing to say and that’s  
Cocky Aki,  
I own you! [Audience : Let’s go screw]

Asami: You really can’t drink much saki (Random people: Aki)  
Asami: But you’re great at tonsil hockey (Random people: Aki)  
Asami: So don’t you touch Sakazaki (Random people: Aki)  
Asami: I have one thing to say and that’s  
Cocky Aki,  
I own you. [Audience: Let’s go screw]

Asami: Here’s my new key to prove I’m not joking  
     Audience: No, your smoking  
Asami: There’re three ways this can go  
     Audience: From the front, from the back, 69  
Asami: That’s easy, hard or just moping  
You should know I’ll never let you go.

Aki: Although I’m not the toy you call me (Random people: Asami)  
Aki: I’ll live with you and you’ll paw me (Random people: Asami)  
Aki: But deep inside you still awe me (Random people: Asami)  
Aki: There’s one thing to say and that’s  
Asami, you draw me  
Into you [Audience: Let’s go screw]

Aki: A-sa-mi  
Asami: Oh …Aki [Audience: oh shit]  
Aki: You draw me  
Asami: Oh Aki [Audience: oh shit]  
Aki: into you  
Asami: I own you-oo-ooo [Audience: I’ll screw you-oo-oo]

Asami and Aki: There’s one thing left to do  
     Audience: That’s screw!  
Asami: That’s go see the hostess Aoki (Random people: Aki)  
Asami: She disappeared and that’s hokey (Random people: Aki)  
Asami: And now the whole thing seems pretty schlocky (Random people: Aki)  
Asami: I’ve one thing to say and that’s

Asami: Cocky Aki  
Aki: Asami, awe me  
Asami and Aki: I… own… you! [Audience: Let’s go screw]

*The lights go off, a curtain goes down and a spotlight shows Yuri stage left on the apron in front of the curtain*

     Audience: Psycho!  
Yuri: I would like, if I may,  
     Audience: You may not  
Yuri: to take you  
     Audience: Take me, take me!  
Yuri: on a deranged journey. It seemed a fairly ordinary night when Asami Ryuichi  
     Audience: scary  
Yuri: and his young lover, Akihito Takaba  
     Audience: Baka!  
Yuri: Two sick and perverted homosexuals  
     Audience: bisexuals  
Yuri: left Tokyo in a private helicopter that late November evening  
     Audience[singing]: Some enchanted evening…  
Yuri: To find Aoki Mayu, once a shady hostess, who is now on the run from them both.  
     Audience: Is it true you cry after sex?  
Yuri: It is true; there were dark storm clouds  
     Audience: describe your lover’s balls  
Yuri: black, heavy and pendulous, over the waters where they were headed.  
     Audience: Is it also true you ejaculate prematurely?  
Yuri: It is also true that they were not cleared to fly to Hong Kong, and their path was risky. But they were intrepid lovers in pursuit of a shady woman, and they would not let a storm spoil their plans for getting answers.  
     Audience: The answer is 42  
Yuri: It was a decision they’d regret  
     Audience: How long?  
Yuri: For a very long time.  
*The spotlight goes out and Yuri exits*

*There are sounds in the background of rain and a helicopter*

*Curtain rises, and Asami and Aki are in a helicopter hanging above center stage in a spotlight. Blue cloths flutter on the stage simulating water. The backdrop is black and sometimes the light catches a gray scrim in front of it.**There is a flash of light and the sound of thunder*  
     *The audience puts on rain hats and life preservers. *

Aki: That’s the third yacht that’s passed below us.  
     Audience: There is nothing below you, baka  
Asami: Why are they out in this storm?  
     Audience: Scary  
*Helicopter shakes and the helicopter sounds stutter*  
Aki: What’s wrong Asami?  
     Audience: Didn’t you feel the helicopter shaking, baka?  
*There is a sound of an engine in distress, and the helicopter noise is erratic*  
Asami: Somethings is wrong with the helicopter. Someone must have tampered with the controls.  
     Audience: Scary  
Aki: Were will we go? We’re in the middle of nowhere.  
     Audience: Then where did all those yachts come from, baka?  
Asami: There is a large casino ship not far from here. I have an inflatable life raft and life preservers in the helicopter. If we are lucky we can make it.  
     Audience: Why do you have life preservers in a helicopter?  
Aki: I’m coming with you.  
     Audience: This isn’t the time for that.  
Asami: There is no choice. I’ll make sure your life preserver is secure, and we’ll lower the ladder and climb down with the life boat and oars.  
Aki: It’ll be okay. Maybe the ship is owned by a beautiful woman.  
     Audience: You’re half right  
Asami: We have to go.

     *Audience takes out water pistols and starts squirting each other and the stage.*

*A long rope ladder drops down from the helicopter, and Asami climbs down with the inflated lifeboat flapping wildly in one hand and oars strapped to his back. He lowers the boat and himself into the water while never releasing the ladder in his left hand. He looks up at Aki. Aki looks scared, but follows.*

*The two are in the lifeboat and Asami takes the oars. Aki leans close into Asami’s chest as Asami rows. The helicopter is pulled to stage left and then careens lower as it is pulled out of sight. The helicopter noise fades and the storm noise increases slightly. A large boat shaped flat is pushed upstage left behind the lifeboat. A spotlight appears on the casino ship.*

*Audience puts away squirt guns and takes out cell phones set on flashlight mode.*  
*Cue music*

There’s a Light Over at the Cassino Boat  
(Tune of There’s a Light over at the Frankenstein Place)

Aki: In the inky darkness of the abyss at night, burning bright  
     Audience: Must have used Clorox  
Aki: There’s a guiding star.  
     Audience: That’s the helicopter, baka  
Aki: No matter who  
     Audience: or where  
Aki: or what you are.  
There’s a light over at the casino boat  
There’s a light, shining out as we float  
There’s a light, a light, in the darkness of everybody’s life

*A spotlight reveals Mikhail standing on top deck of the casino boat.*

     Audience: Sing it, Asshat!  
Mikhail: Mischief must flow, with the current of my scheming.  
Go, boredom, go. Let the fun and games come streaming  
Into my life  
     Audience: What life?  
Mikhail: Into my life!

Aki: There’s a light, over at the casino boat  
There’s a light, shining on us as we float  
There’s a light, a light, in the darkness of everybody’s life

*Curtain falls*

*Yuri comes out on the left apron and is lit by a spotlight*  
     Audience: Psycho!  
Yuri: and so it seemed fortune had smiled on Aki and Asami, and that they found the assistance their plight required. Or had they?  
*Kill spotlight; Yuri exits*

  
*The curtain rises, and Aki and Asami are standing on the deck of the casino boat. Mikhail is in front of them standing under an awning attached to two flats behind Mikhail that are meant to suggest an indoor section of the boat, and there are large open doors in the flats behind him. *

Aki (whispering): Asami, I’m cold and wet, and he looks scary  
Asami: Bear with it. Maybe we can use a phone.  
Part of the audience: Who are you going to call Asami?  
Rest of the audience: Baishe busters!  
*Aki and Asami move forward. Mikhail regards them coolly*.  
     Audience: Say hello, asshat.  
Mikhail. Hello…  
Asami: Hello. I am Asami. You don’t need to know who he is.  
     Audience: Scary  
Asami: If you can assist us, I’ll owe you one.  
Mihail: You’re wet.  
     Audience: No shit!  
Aki: Yes, there’s a storm  
     Audience: No shit.  
Asami:…  
Mikhail: I think perhaps you’d better come inside.  
     Audience: I can’t come that far!  
Aki: Thanks!  
*Sakazaki peeks out from behind a the back of an open door*  
     Audience: We see you, sleazebag!  
Aki: Asami, what kind of place is this?  
Asami: It is probably some kind of gambling boat run by organized crime.  
     Audience: Organized crime is the best crime.  
Mikhail: This way.

  
*The flats with the doors spit and are pulled off to either side, revealing a set suggesting part of the boat’s interior. Sakazaki remains behind Mikhail relative to Aki. There is noise from many unseen people on the ship.*

Aki: Are you having a party?  
Mikhail: You have arrived on a rather special night. It’s one of Feilong’s affairs.  
     Audience: Which one?  
Aki: Oh. Lucky him.  
*Sakazaki comes out from behind Mikhail and rubs against Aki.  
Sakazaki: You’re lucky. He’s lucky. I’m lucky.*Asami pushes Sakazaki away roughly and stands behind Aki guarding Aki’s back*  
     Audience: Not that lucky, sleazebag.

  
*Cue music*

Soul Warp  
(Tune of Time Warp)

Mikhail: It’s confounding.  
Morality’s fleeting.  
Badness takes its toll.  
     Audience: Is exact change required or can I get an I-pass?  
Mikhail: But glisten closely,  
Sakazaki: I can make it last longer.  
     Audience: Sleazebag  
Mikhail: I’ve got to take control.  
     Audience: In your dreams.  
Mikhail: I remember doing the soul warp.  
Sneaking those moments when  
Uncle Yuri would hit me  
while we were balling…  
Baishe and gamblers (walking out from the wings): Let’s do the soul warp again!  
Yuri *walking out onto the left apron*: It’s a disgusting display.  
     Audience: psycho  
Baishe and gamblers: That you put on all night  
Yuri: Let me get my whips  
     *Audience takes out riding crops and slap their thighs with them*  
Baishe and gamblers: and tie Mikhail up tight  
     Audience: Hurt me! Hurt me!  
Baishe and gamblers: But it’s the surge of lust  
That makes you give him such pain  
Let’s do the soul warp again.  
Let’s do the soul warp again

Sakazaki: It’s so steamy.  
     Audience: Like your shit?  
Sakazaki: Being bound can free me.  
     Audience: from your shit?  
Sakazaki: Till I don’t have to be me  
     Audience: Do you have limits?  
Sakazaki: No, not at all.  
     Audience: Where do you get your hair done?  
Sakazaki: In a dungeon extension  
     Audience: How do you like sex?  
Sakazaki: With perverted henchmen  
     Audience: how do you like your drinks?  
Sakazaki: Undiluted  
     Audience: What’s your stance on criminals?  
Sakazaki: I free all  
     Audience: Oh shit.  
Mikhail: With a little gyration  
Sakazaki: For humiliation  
Mikhail: And nothing feels as good as pain.  
Sakazaki: It’s the end of frustration.  
Mikhail: You’re in it for the duration.  
Baishe and gamblers: Let’s do the soul warp again! Let’s do the soul warp again!

Mitarai *entering from stage right*: I was waiting in the street for a celebrity  
When a hot Chinese guy made a fool of me.  
He roughed me up.  
He would not hear my lies.  
He had the longest hair  
And the darkest eyes.  
He threatened me and I felt a change.  
My soul meant nothing,  
Never would again.

  
Baishe and gamblers: Let’s do the soul warp again!  
Let’s do the soul warp again!

Yuri: It’s a disgusting display  
     Audience: Psycho.  
Baishe and gamblers: That you put on all night  
Yuri: Let me get my whips  
     *Audience takes out riding crops and slap their thighs with them*  
Baishe and gamblers: and tie Mikhail up tight  
     Audience: Hurt me! Hurt me!  
Baishe and Gamblers: But it’s the surge of lust  
That makes you give him such pain  
Let’s do the soul warp again.  
Let’s do the soul warp again.

*Mitarai tap dances*  
Audience: 2, 4, 6, 8—show us how you masturbate.  
*Mitarai keeps dancing*  
Audience; 1,2,3,4—stick up your ass and beg for more!

  
Baishe and gamblers: Let’s do the soul warp again!  
Let’s do the soul warp again!  
Yuri: It’s a disgusting display  
     Audience: Psycho.  
Baishe and gamblers: That you put on all night  
Yuri: Let me get my whips  
     *Audience takes out riding crops and slap their thighs with them*  
Baishe and gamblers: and tie Mikhail up tight  
Audience: Hurt me! Hurt me!  
Baishe and gamblers: But it’s the surge of lust  
That makes you give him such pain  
Let’s do the soul warp again.  
Let’s do the soul warp again.

*Music ends and the dancers fall to their knees*

*Aki and Asami stare in silence*  
Aki (to Asami): Say something.  
     Audience: Please say you love me!  
Asami: …  
Aki: How are we going to get out of here?  
     Audience: Baka  
Asami: Don’t leave my side. I will take care of this.  
     Audience: Scary  
Aki: There are so many perverts here.  
     Audience: and you’re one of them.  
Asami: It’s just a BDSM gambling party.  
Aki: I want to go back to Japan.  
     Audience: and I want a pony.  
Asami: I’m working on it.  
Aki: I’ll just ask when they will go back to shore.  
Asami: For once just listen and stay quiet!  
     Audience: Fat chance!  
Aki: I’m not some useless kid who needs to be rescued.  
     Audience: You have uses. Take off your pants.  
Asami: You don’t understand what you’ve gotten yourself into.  
     Audience: And you do?  
Aki: I’m cold, I’m wet, and I’m creeped the hell out.  
Asami: I’m here. I’ll get us out of this.

*Cue music*

*As they are talking, and open elevator carrying Fei lowers onto the stage*  
     Audience: Hair! Hair! Hair!  
*Asami and Aki turn to see Fei*  
*Aki starts*

Sweet Seke Crime Boss  
(tune of Sweet Transvestite)

Fei: How do you do? I see you’ve met  
My Russian rival and fan.  
He’s just a little putout  
Because before you came  
He thought he’d be my man.  
Don’t get fooled by the way I look.  
Don’t judge a book by its cover  
I’m a stunning beauty, as they say,  
But I’m also one evil crime lover.  
I’m just a sweet seke crime boss  
Of the Baishe in China.

Fei: I’ll show you around  
Maybe have that one bound *points to Aki*  
Maybe let that one do me *points to Asami*  
Or if you want, I can grease ‘im *points to Aki*  
And we’ll have a threesome.  
You can both have a chance to woo me.

  
Asami: I don’ think so, Fei.  
We’re not here to play.  
You have no reason to worry.  
*Aki nods*  
Asami: I’ll just contact my men  
Kirishima and Souh (from the front row): About time!  
Asami: and until then,  
we’ll just stay away from Yuri.  
Aki: *Gulp*

  
Fei: Well you were lost at sea? Well, for a fee,  
I’ll save you from disaster.  
There’s no need to fight,  
I’ll treat you right.  
I will be your master forecaster.  
I’m just a sweet seke crime boss  
Of the Baishe in China, aha.

  
So, you’re here for the night.  
Mikhail: Night  
I’ll get you to bite.  
Mitarai: Bite  
Maybe give you a true love confession.  
I’ve been training a man  
Who does what he can  
To please me in every mission.

Fei: I’m just a sweet seke crime boss  
Of the Baishe in China, aha.  
I’m just a sweet seke crime boss  
Of the Baishe in China, aha.

Fei: So indulge in dice  
Or any vice  
I see you shiver with trepidation  
But maybe the game  
Isn’t really to blame.  
So I’ll retract my claws  
But not temptation.

*Fei struts off stage right followed by the Baishe*

  
*Mikhail and Sakazaki approach with towels and start drying off Aki and Asami*  
Aki: Thank you.  
*Asami nods warily*  
*Mikhail and Sakazaki start taking off Aki and Asami’s wet clothes*  
Aki: A-Asami.  
Asami: It will be okay, Aki. Follow my lead and don’t get separated.  
Mitarai: Slowly, slowly--it’s too nice a job to rush.*Notices Asami’s gun in the shoulder holster and shuts up*  
*Asami keeps his pants and his gun. Aki is in his underwear*  
Mitarai: You’re lucky Feilong seems to like you. Some people would kill for such an invitation.  
Aki: People like you maybe.  
*Mitarai looks stricken*  
     Audience: Busted.  
Mitarai: I’ve never even noticed Feilong.  
*Mikhail gives Mitarai a disdainful look and then turns to Aki and Asami*  
Mikhail: We’d better not keep him waiting.

  
*Mikhail, Sakazaki, and Mitarai lead Aki and Asami to the apron stage right, then turn. The group is in a spotlight and the main lights go out. A blackjack table is moved to center stage and casino backdrop is lowered on the darkened main stage.*

Aki: Is Fei your boss?  
Mitarai: Ha!  
Mikhail: Fei is...in a similar line of work. Fei and I are …negotiating something.  
     Audience: Yeah, like who’s going to top.  
Aki: Oh.

*Lights go up and we see a casino game room on the stage. In the center, there is a blackjack table, and Fei is in front of it. Yoh is kneeling at Fei’s feet. The room is full of Baishe. Mikhail leads his group over to the main stage.*

Fei: It looks like everyone’s here. Mikhail, you can have a seat. I’ll entertain…*Looks Asami and Aki up and down* our guests.  
*Asami steps closer to Aki and glares at Fei*  
Fei*to Aki*: What charming underwear. *Pouts* but you look cold. *waves at Baishe who come forward—one with a silk flowered jacket for Aki, and another with a velvet smoking robe for Asami. That should make you feel less …vulnerable.  
*Asami and Aki put on clothes. Asami glares at Fei*  
Fei: It’s not often we find people adrift at sea out here. You could try to look grateful.  
Asami: Do not trifle with me. If you will let me contact my people, we will leave you in peace.  
Aki: Asami, be nice. He is helping us.  
Asami *turning to look at Aki*: Helping?  
Fei: How forceful you are, Asami. So…dominant. You must be very proud of him, Aki.  
Aki *blushing*: I—It’s not…I mean…  
Fei: Does he have any tattoos we can’t see Aki?  
Aki: No…I mean…Hey, why do you care?  
Fei: How about you, Aki, would you like a new tattoo?  
Asami: Aki does not need tattoos. We all know who Aki belongs to.  
Mikhail: Everything is ready now, Feilong. We await your…pleasure.

*Fei circles back behind Yoh (who is still kneeling quietly) and Fei clears his throat for attention. The room quiets down and looks at Fei*

     Audience: Fei, when is the orgy?  
Fei: Tonight, members of the Baishe and distinguished guests, tonight you are to witness something…  
     Audience: Kinky?  
Fei: unconventional. It is strange the way things happen. Sometimes one you trusted betrays you.  
Mikhail: Betrayal!  
     Audience: Look who’s talking?  
Fei: What a sucker you have been. What a fool.  
     Audience: Can there be forgiveness?  
Fei: There can be no forgiveness. It as if that person is now dead to you—dead to all the Baishe. It would be weak to think of such a person.  
     Audience: But not to fuck him,  
Fei: However, sometimes by extraordinary effort and strange circumstances,  
     Audience: Such as fucking him,  
Fei: such a person can be redeemed  
     Audience: with a coupon?  
Fei: by acts of sacrifice and contrition.  
     Audience: Like a blowjob  
Fei: When that happens, there must be certainty that the person is now worthy again. There must also be a…  
     Audience: Who gives the best head on Star Trek?  
Fei: spark—that is the connection of one life to another. One must know the other.  
     Audience: Biblically  
Fei: Can one man see into another’s heart?  
     Audience: will you have sex with everyone on the ship tonight?  
Fei: Yes!  
     Audience: Do you know how to hum while giving a blowjob?  
Fei: I have that knowledge. I hold the secret…  
     Audience: Victoria’s Secret?  
Fei: to loyalty between men.  
     Audience: Is it humming while giving a blowjob?  
Fei: You are fortunate tonight to see a prodigal son return to the fold. For tonight, one such man is about to earn forgiveness. *gestures to Yoh*  
     Audience: You’re fucked now.  
Fei: Present me with the gifts you have brought and swear your loyalty now.  
Aki: Asami, is this okay?  
Asami: It will be fine, Aki.  
*Yoh takes out an envelope from his inside jacket pocket and gives it to Fei*  
Yoh: Feilong, my life is yours.  
*Aki claps and Asami stops him* Audience: Aki’s got the clap…now Asami’s got it.  
Fei: Oh, and what about him? *gestures to Asami*  
*Yoh looks at Asami and goes quiet*  
Fei: Yoh—say something.

  
*Cue music*  
*Yoh stands to sing*

The Sword of Domiciles  
(Same tune as the original)

Yoh: The sword of Domiciles is hanging over your head.  
But if I’m around, no one will be cutting that thread.  
*Mikhail makes faces behind Yoh’s back as Yoh sings, and Fei elbows Mikhail in the ribs*  
Yoh: Fei, listen to me. I once brought you misery  
But can’t you see, I’d give anything just to make you love me.  
I’ve been in mourning. I’ve been out of my head.  
Baishe: That ain’t no crime.  
Yoh: You left me still dreaming of a feeling I could get you in bed.  
Baishe: That ain’t no crime.  
Yoh: I’ll eat some crow. I messed up; had no place to go.  
One thing I know is I’d give anything just to make you love me.  
Fei *rolling eyes*: Oh Yoh.  
Baishe: Sha-la-la-la. That ain’t no crime.

Yoh: The sword of Domiciles is hanging over your head.  
Baishe: That ain’t no crime.  
Yoh: But if I’m around, no one will be cutting that thread.  
Baishe: That ain’t no crime.  
Yoh: Fei, listen to me. I once brought you misery  
but can’t you see, I’d give anything just to make you love me.

Baishe *dancing*: Sha-la-la-la. That ain’t no crime.  
sha-la-la-la. That ain’t no crime.  
sha-la-la-la. That ain’t no crime.  
Sha-la-la-la.

     *Doors at the back of the audience seating fly open and Tao enters shouting: Don’t listen to him! We don’t need him!

Mikhail: Who let Shota-kun into the room?  
Fei *glaring daggers at Mikhail*: What did you call him?  
     Kuroda(in back row): I got this. *Escorts Tao out and shuts the door*.  
Yoh: That’s better.  
*Fei now glares at Yoh*  
     Audience: Have a hissy fit, Fei.  
Fei: Honestly, is that any way to act on your first day back?  
     Audience: Is this his first day on his back?  
*Fei looks at the envelope Yoh gave him.*  
Fei: But since you are such an exceptional  
     Audience: fuck  
Fei: earner, I am prepared to forgive you.  
*Yoh nods gravely*  
     Audience: Flatter Fei, Mikhail.  
Mikhail: It’s a credit to your …generosity, Feilong.  
Fei: Yes.  
     Audience: You too, Sakazaki.  
Sakazaki: It’s a triumph of your charisma.  
Fei: Yes.  
     Audience: Put your foot in it, Mitarai.  
Mitarai: It’s okay.  
     Audience: You blew it.  
Fei *glancing coolly at Mitarai*: Okay?  
     Audience: Look--a cockroach!  
*Fie slaps his hand on table*  
Fei: Okay? I think we can do better than that. He has the Baishe leader’s seal of approval.  
     Audience: *Makes seal noises*  
Fei: Aki, Asami, what do you think?  
     Audience: Lie to him, Aki  
Aki: Well, I don’t like men who kill people…  
*Fei looks at Asami*  
Aki: too often…  
Fei: I didn’t forgive him for you.

*Cue music*

In Less Brutal Ways, I Can Forgive My Man  
(tune of In Just 7 days, I Can Make You a Man)

     Audience: Describe your first love  
Fei: A Yakuza, covered in many tattoos,  
     Audience: Liar.  
Fei: may fail at a task he did not choose  
     Audience: like anal sex?  
Fei: and soon he will clip his own fingertip.  
     Audience: are you satisfied with just the tip?  
Fei: Loyalty will force this show of remorse.  
he’ll slice it and toss  
it in a package for his bo—aw-oss.  
He’ll have pain and feel loss.  
He’ll be a fine man.  
Aw honey, but not my man.

Fei: He’ll cut off more if he has to  
and indulge in gore  
Till he’s cut off his fingers, hands, arms, and more.  
Such mutilation, that’s just not in my plan.  
In less brutal ways, I can forgive my man.

Fei: They might use knives, skip high fives, and then yubitsume.  
They think they can trust if everyone’s gloomy.  
Such a waste of digits I just don’t understand.  
In less brutal ways, I can forgive my man.

*As everyone stares at Fei and Yoh, a noise is heard offstage as if someone's busting in.*

  
     Audience: Fei, don’t you ever lock your doors?  
*Sudou bursts in looking around wildly*  
Sakazaki: Sudou!

*Cue music*

If You’re Snooty  
(to the Tune of Hot Patootie)

Sudou: When I was managing Club Dracaena  
It the highest class cantina.  
It isn’t the same since a subpoena  
came into my life. I thought I was divine.  
I used to ply old men with a girl who’d go  
Through their wallets and their cell phones and so  
She’d report on anything I might want to know.  
I’d gather information while they had a good time.

Sudou: If you’re snooty, come with me *Audience claps 4 times in rhythm to song*  
I really like your pedigree.  
If you’re snooty, come with me *Audience claps 4 times in rhythm to song*  
I really like your pedigree.  
If you’re snooty, come with me *Audience claps 4 times in rhythm to song*  
I really like your pedigree.  
If you’re snooty, come with me *Audience claps 4 times in rhythm to song*  
I really like your pedigree.

Sudou: My heart used to thump for Asami and still  
My hands kind of fumbled when I’d light his Dunhill.  
I tried my best to win his trust and that’s when I fell.  
And he told me I must fix it or he would throw me away.  
Had some side deals that were going wrong  
But I still believe he knew it all along.  
With my backside in the fire, I tried to sing a song  
I cried real tears then. There was nothing left to say-ay.

(repeat chorus) *everyone dances*

*Fei picks up a small tube and blows a dart into Sudou’s neck. Sudou touches his hand to his neck and crumples into a heap on the floor*

*Mitarai looks crushed*

Fei: Someone take out the trash.  
*Two Baishe drag unconscious Sudou away*  
Aki: Did you just kill him?  
Fei: Oh Aki, don’t be upset. Wouldn’t it be better for you if he were dead?  
Fei *looking in the direction Sudou was dragged off in*: He has a certain cunning charm, but  
Fei *looking at Yoh*: He lacked muscle.  
*Yoh stands closer to Fei and scans the room for threats*

*Cue music*

Make You My Man reprise

Fei: But a strong man with a gun  
A hot fight or battle won  
Makes me, ooohh, shake.  
Makes me want to take Charles Bronson by the hand.  
If you fight for me, I will make you my man.

  
*Fei starts strutting*

Fei: I won’t hear of dissension.  
Just dramatic tension  
Aki *looking up at Asami*: I’m a bad boy fan  
*Fei looks at Aki, rolls his eyes, and turns back to Yoh*

Fei and Baishe: If you fight for me, I will make you my man.  
Fei: Do it, while you can.  
Fei: If you fight for me, I will make you my man.

*Wedding march plays as Fei takes Yoh’s hand and leads him out*

*Baishe members surreptitiously wipe their eyes and sniff*  
*Mikhail scowls*  
*Asami puts his arm around Aki*

*Curtain goes down*


	2. Act II

*The curtain is still down and the lights flicker and then go out*

  
*A spotlight reveals Yuri on the left stage apron*  
    Audience: Psycho  
Yuri: There are those that say love is an illusion  
Audience: Like your dick?  
Yuri: and that romance is just a way to trick stupid people into having children. It is clear, regardless, that Asami and Aki are sick deviants who disgrace us all.  
    Audience cheers  
Yuri: However, the appalling display between Feilong and his…  
Audience: Lover  
Yuri: filthy subordinate has left Aki and Asami feeling  
    Audience: horny  
Yuri: a disturbing and unnatural longing. It was a feeling that grew over time.  
*Kill spotlight. Yuri exits*  
  
*The curtain rises and we see a king size bed with Aki in blankets and many pillows. The bed is positioned horizontally so we see the length of Aki laying on his side. The lights are dim, but there is a strange forest fairy night light upstage of Aki’s bed and it allows us to see silhouettes.*  
  
*A shadowy figure in a smoking jacket enters the room*  
Aki: Who’s there?  
    Audience: It’s the plumber. I’ve come to fix your leak.  
Man *in a hoarse whisper* It’s me.  
*Man goes over to bed, sits on the edge, and reaches out to Aki*  
Man: I’ve come to see if you need anything.  
Aki: What’s with the smoking jacket, and hey—  
    Audience: Don’t touch the hair!  
Aki *Pulls hair tie at back of man’s head and flips long hair out from under the collar*: Were you trying to pull off a man bun? Really?  
Fei: I’m afraid so. But isn’t it nice…  
    Audience: Yes!  
Aki: No. You should never wear your hair in a bun.  
    Audience: Fair point  
Aki: What are you doing here?  
Fei: What would you like me to be doing here?  
Aki: Nothing.     Audience: Fucking  
Fei: Really?  
Aki: What about Yoh? What about how he fought for you?  
Fei: It tired him out.  
Aki: What about Asami?  
Fei *grinning*: Do you think we should call him?  
*The blankets behind Aki move and a grumpy Asami pokes his head out*  
Asami: That won’t be necessary.  
*Asami reaches behind him and turns up light (stage lights go up)*  
*Fei claps his hands happily and bounces farther onto the bed*  
Fei: I like the way this is turning out.  
Asami: I don’t.  
Fei: Yes, yes, I know. But it’s not all bad, is it?  
     Audience: Not half bad.  
Fei: I think you might find it quite pleasurable.  
*Fei and Asami wrestle lightly while Aki is stuck between them*  
  
*Mikhail and Sakazaki carry an unconscious Yoh across the stage apron all the way from stage right to stage left. No one in Aki’s room seems to notice*  
  
*Wrestling movements stop*  
Asami: What are you doing to Aki?  
Fei *crawling in between them*: Nothing. What would you like me to do with Aki?  
Asami: Just let me contact my people and we’ll be off your ship.  
Fei: Oh Asami, you’re so strong and protective.  
Aki: Stop that! *Slaps Fei’s shoulder*  
Fei *Turning back to Aki*: Do that again. It tickles.  
Asami: Stop messing with me. Fei, I warn you.  
*Fei pulls Aki into his arms and turns over to Asami with Aki clasped in front of Fei’s chest*  
Fei: What are you afraid of, Asami? Afraid you might enjoy it?  
Aki: Let me go. *Pushes himself free*  
*Asami smirks*  
*Aki looks at Asami and gets even angrier*  
Aki: I can’t believe you two are putting me in the middle of your…  
    Audience: Sex games  
Aki: whatever this is.  
*Aki climbs out of bed and is only wearing boxers*  
Aki: Asami, let me know when you have settled this…  
    Audience: sex game  
Aki: this pissing contest.  
*Aki struts off stage in high dudgeon*  
Fei: I wonder what got into him?  
Asami: Why are you still here?  
Fei: Maybe for this? *Kisses Asami*  
*Asami kisses back for just a second and then thrust Fei away*  
Asami: It’s never going to happen. Give up.  
Fei: Maybe if you let me get it out of my system?  
*Loud ringtone clip of Let the Bodies Hit the Floor plays*  
Fei: So sorry, business call. Excuse me.  
*Fei gets out of bed and pulls a cell phone out of the smoking jacket*  
Fei: What? *pauses* Fine. I’m coming.  
*Fei leaves room and stage goes dark*  
  
*A backdrop of a conference room is lowered in front of the bedroom set and a couch is placed stage left on an angle in front of the backdrop. Sakazaki lays on the couch. Mikhail and Mitarai go out to the left apron with a large tablet that displays everything happening on the main stage. The lights go back on*  
*Aki struts angrily onto the stage, still in is boxers.*  
Aki: I can’t believe those two! I can’t believe Asami! Why am I always caught in the middle of things like this?  
*Sakazaki pokes his head up*  
Aki: I can’t believe I am still stuck here.  
Sakazaki: Trouble in paradise?  
*Aki starts*  
Aki: Oh, it’s you.  
Sakazaki: The one and only. So you’ve come to your senses and decided to ask me for help?  
Aki: Fat chance. Unless, of course, you have a way I can contact Asami’s men so we can get out of here.  
Sakazaki *sitting up*: As a matter of fact, I might be able to help you. If you make it worth my while.  
Aki: Really? You can tell me a way I can get Asami and myself off the ship? Wouldn’t that show Asami how good I am.  
*Sakazaki digs a cell phone out of his pocket and holds it up*  
Aki (laughing): Great. Let me borrow your cell phone.  
Sakazaki: Maybe. First, you do something for me; then, I’ll do something for you.  
Aki: I don’t have any money with me. I don’t even have my camera.  
    Audience: Don’t worry. You’re on camera.  
Sakazaki: You’ll just have to convince me with other skills.  
    Audience: Play innocent Aki.  
Aki: What do you mean?  
*Sakazaki gestures for Aki to come towards the couch and smiles*  
*Aki stares.*  
  
*Yuri walks out to the stage right apron and is lit with a spotlight*  
    Audience: Psycho!  
Yuri: Deviance--a disturbance of the mind.  
    Audience: Where does the bulge in your pants come from?  
Yuri: It is caused by wanton temptation that arouses an excited physical state.  
    Audience: How do you feel about your left ball?  
Yuri: Unless it is crushed, it is a powerful and irrational master. And from what Mikhail and Mitarai observed on their tablet, that slut Akihito was indeed corrupting the noble Sakazaki.  
*Kill spotlight. Yuri exits.*  
  
Mikhail and Mitarai: Tell us about it Sakazaki!  
  
*Cue music*

  
Suck-a-Suck-a-Suck Me  
(to the Tune of Touch-a-Touch-a-Touch Me)

  
Sakazaki: I was feeling pent in. Couldn’t sin. I’ve only had this once before.  
  
Mikhail: You mean he?  
Mitarai: Un huh.  
  
Sakazaki: I thought there’s no use getting  
    Audience: killed  
Sakazaki: Asami-san fretting. It only leads to trouble and bloodletting.  
    Souh (in the front row) *stands up*: Did someone say bloodletting?  
    Kirishima (in the front row) *tugs Souh back down*: Patience. We’ll get our turn.  
Sakazaki: Now all I want to know is how far you’ll go?  
I’ve got a taste and I want more.  
Mikhail and Mitarai: More, more, more!  
Sakazaki: Don’t put up such resistance.  
I know you’ll go the distance.  
I’ve got an itch to scratch.  
I need assistance.  
  
Sakazaki: Suck-a-suck-a-suck me  
I want to be dirty  
Pick me, lick me, joystick me  
Fucktoy of the night  
  
*Aki moves reluctantly to the couch and kneels with his head between Sakazaki’s legs*  
    Audience: This is a good place for a stick-up.  
Sakazaki: Then if you can cum too  
While you do  
The things you do to make me cum  
Mikhail and Mitarai: Cum, cum, cum; Audience: Dumb, dumb, dumb  
Sakazaki: I’d like a photo of it.  
Don’t tell me to shove it.  
You need a helping hand, and you should have it.  
  
Sakazaki: Suck-a-suck-a-suck me  
I want to be dirty.  
Pick me, lick me, joystick me  
Fucktoy of the night  
  
Mikhail *mimicking Sakazaki*: Suck-a-suck-a-suck me  
Mitarai *falling to his knees by Mikhail's crotch*: I want to be dirty  
Mikhail: Pick me, lick me, joystick me  
Mitarai: Fucktoy of the night  
  
Sakazaki: Suck-a-suck-a-suck me  
I want to be dirty  
Pick me, lick me, joystick me  
Fucktoy of the night  
  
Fei *walking out on left apron by Mikhail and Mitarai*: Fucktoy of the night  
Mikhail *smiling at Fei*: Fucktoy of the night  
Asami *walking out on right apron*: Fucktoy of the night?  
Fei: Fucktoy of the night  
Mitarai: Fucktoy of the night  
Sakazaki: Fucktoy of the night  
Aki *miserably*: Fucktoy of the night  
  
*Music stops and the light go down. A backdrop lowers in front of the couch and the people on stage.*  
  
*There is a spotlight on the right apron where Fei is with Mikhail and Mitarai* Mitarai sees’s Fei’s face and leaves.*  
  
Fei: Where is Yoh?  He’s missing.  
Mikhail: If you want to know what I am doing, maybe you should spend more time with me?  
*Fei slaps Mikhail's face*  
    Audience: He likes that.  
Fei: What have you done with Yoh!  
    Audience: Speak French  
Mikhail: Mercy!  
    Audience: Oh Mikhail, you spoke French! *Kissing sounds*  
Fei: Tell me what happened.  
    Audience: Lie Mikhail.  
Mikhail: I am not sure. It’s not my ship.  
    Audience: Point the finger!  
Mikhail: But I thought I saw Sakazaki by your room after you left to…  
    Audience: seduce  
Mikhail: see to the guests.  
Fei: Well, you have obviously hacked into my security cameras, so find Yoh with that tablet.  
*Mikhail turns to the tablet and then stops*  
Mikhail: Fei, you have a stow away.  
  
*Stage lights go up and reveal a hallway backdrop. Mayu walks onto the stage and looks around. A few seconds later, Asami walks after her* *Kill spotlight on Mikhail and Fei*  
  
Asami: Aoki Mayu  
Mayu: Asami-san! What are you doing here?  
*Fie and Mikhail walk onto the stage by Mayu*  
Mikhail: You know this person?  
Asami: It so happens, I was looking for her.  
Fei: So, it is no accident you are on this ship. You came here with a purpose, didn’t you?  
Asami: I told you, my helicopter went down and we were lost at sea.  
Fei: I know what you told me…but this Aoki Mayu, she works with a rival gang, doesn’t she?  
Asami: She was a hostess at Club Dracaena.  
Fei: and now she has a deal with your government, doesn’t she, Asami? She is an informant regarding illegal gun and drug trafficking, isn’t she?  
Asami: She might be.  
Mayu: Liu Feilong, we meet at last.  
Asami: What do you want with Feilong?  
Mayu: It has nothing to do with you.  
Fei: Don’t play games. You know perfectly well what Asami is doing here. It was part of your plan, was it not? That he and his…  
    Audience: Snuggly bunny  
Fei: companion should get past my defenses and distract me while you sneak in and steal information about my organization. Well, unfortunately for you all, your plans must change. You must be adaptable Mayu-san.  
    Audience: She is  
Fei: I know Asami is.  
Mayu: I assure you Asami’s presence here is a complete surprise to me. I came here to find Sudou.  
Asami: Sudou? He was here earlier.  
Fei: Let’s talk about it in the conference room.  
  
*Backdrop goes up to reveal Sakazaki on the couch and Aki on his knees in front of the couch. As Fei and the others walk closer, Aki kneels further down and pulls Yoh’s unconscious body out from under the couch*  
  
Fei: *gasps*  
    Audience: Mouseketeer role call  
Asami: Aki!  
Aki: Ah!!  
Mayu: Akihito  
Aki: Mayu  
Asami: Aki  
Aki: Asami  
Fei: Yoh  
Yoh: *is unconscious* Audience: Ugh  
Mayu: Akihito  
Aki: Mayu  
Asami: Aki  
Aki: Asami  
Fei: Yoh  
Yoh: *is unconscious* Audience: Ugh.  
Fei *to Sakazaki*: I could erase you.  
    Audience: only if you do it before Asami.  
Mitarai *Enters stage right*: Master Feilong, the wine tasting is prepared.  
Fei: Excellent! *Looks at Aki* Under the circumstances, formal dress will be optional.  
*Lights go down*  
  
*Yuri walks out onto the right apron and is hit with a spotlight*  
    Audience: Psycho  
Yuri: Alcohol has always played a role in awkward social situations.  
    Audience: Like any date with you  
Yuri: The drinking games in universities, the grog at holiday parties, the shot of courage-- and then there’s this wine tasting. However inviting it may appear,  
Audience: Yes?  
Yuri: you can be sure there is little bonhomie.  
    Audience: What’s a bon Homie?  
  
*As Yuri was talking, the backdrop changed to that of a dining room area. The couch was removed and the table with a white cloth was placed center stage. *  
  
*Kill spotlight, bring up main lights as Yuri exist*  
  
*There are wine glasses on the table and small trays of fruit and cheese. Yoh is propped on a chair in the corner. Fei, Asami, Aki, Mikhail, Sakazaki, Mitarai and Mayu, are standing awkwardly in a loose ring around the table.*  
  
Fei: A toast  
    *Audience throws toast*  
Fei: To absent friends  
All: To absent friends  
Fei: and to Yoh  
    Audience: Finish the song this time. You stopped in the middle last week.  
Fei: For he is a jolly good fellow  
All: For he is a jolly good fellow  
*Fei stops abruptly and glares at Sakazaki, everyone trails off*  
Aki: For he’s a jolly good…fel-low  
*silence*  
Fei: Shall we?  
*Everyone has some wine*  
Mayu: I came to discuss Sudou.  
Mitarai: Sudou?  
*Fei glares at Mitarai and Mitarai looks down and shuts up*  
Fei: I’m afraid he is rather tied up right now.  
Mitarai *looking upset*: Excuse me  
*Mitarai walks away from the group but stays at the edge of the stage*  
Mayu: I knew he got into a dangerous situation, but this is worse than I imagined. Perverts.  
All: Mayu-san!  
Fei: Go on, Mayu-san… Or should I say… Aya-san?  
Sakazaki: Just what exactly are you implying?  
Mayu: It’s all right.  
Mikhail: Mayu?  
Mayu: It’s all right.  
  
*Cue music*

  
  
Sudou’s Voodoo  
(Tune of Eddie’s Teddy)

  
Mayu: In the town we are from  
He was trouble  
    Audience: with a capital T  
Mayu: He was a host  
    Audience: Not a guest but a host  
Mayu: In a same-sex club  
    Audience: Which club? A gay club.  
Mayu: But he was vain  
    Audience: He should have been an artery  
Yuri (on the apron, with spotlight): But he should have been beaten to learn shame.  
    Audience: Like your dick.  
Mayu: He left home full of pride.  
  
    Audience: Get down Mayu!  
Mayu: From the day he was gone,  
    Audience: Bop shoo bop bop  
Mayu: all he wanted  
    Audience: The Mayu San Rock  
Mayu: was recognition  
    Audience: Bop shoo bop bop  
Mayu: from the higher class.  
    Audience: What an ass  
Mayu: Seeking power  
    Audience: What was he?  
Yuri: He was a sniveling cheap follower  
    Audience: Follow this!  
Mayu: Taking everyone for a ride.  
    Audience: He never took me for a ride!  
  
Mayu: When Sudou said he could do it all with Voodoo  
You know he was up to shit.       
     Audience:*clap clap*  
Mayu: But when he threatened Aki’s life with a switch blade knife  
  
Fei: What a guy  
Aki: Makes you cry  
Mayu: and I did  
  
Mitarai: Everybody dumped him.        Audience: Fucked him  
Mitarai: I very nearly jumped him.         Audience: Sucked him  
Mitarai: I said, “Hey hide out with me.         Audience: Why don’t you screw me  
Mitarai: A slob can keep you safe, you’ll see.”         Audience: Take my ass virginity  
Mitarai: But he ran away with someone more snooty.       Audience: But he pulled out and came all over me.

  
Mayu: But he must have been drawn  
    Audience: and quartered?  
Mayu: Into something  
    Audience: Like Mikhail’s cock  
Mayu: Making him warn  
    Audience: Who?  
Mayu: me in a text that reads:  
    Audience: What’s it say? What’s it say?  
*Sudou’s voice off stage*: They’ve messed with my head  
    Audience: Spelled HED (stupid autofill)  
*Sudou’s voice off stage*: Hurry, they’ll have my legs spread.  
    Audience: too late!  
*Sudou’s voice off stage*: They must not take advantage of my need.  
    Audience: Scream traitor  
Sudou’s voice screams.  
  
All: When Sudou said he could do it all with Voodoo  
You know he was up to shit *clap clap*  
But when he threatened Aki’s life with a switch blade knife  
  
Fei: What a guy  
Others: Wo-oh-o  
Aki: Makes you cry  
    Audience: What does Fat Albert say?  
Others: hey, hey, hey.  
Mayu: and I did  
Others: Su-dou.  
  
    Audience: Fei, it’s you turn to clear the table.  
*Fei struts up and pulls the cloth off the table, sending glasses and food tumbling. Under the cloth is a clear Plexiglas box with air holes containing a bound Sudou. Sudou is wearing nothing but restraints, a ball gag, and something metal strapped over his penis. *  
  
All: *Gasping and exclaiming*  
Aki *Leaning over for a better view*: Are those spikes in that ..that…  
    Audience: You know what that is.  
Aki: cock cage thing?  
Fei: Do you dare to judge me?  
Aki *looks up and backs away*  
*Fei chases after Aki*  
  
*Mikhail and Sakazaki laugh*  
Mikhail *suddenly (to Sakazak)*: Shut up!  
  
*Cue music*

  
  
Nut Up Aki-Kun  
(to the tune of Wise Janet Weiss)

  
  
Fei: You’d best hear, better change your tune.  
You’d better nut up, Aki-Kun.  
Your wagashi don’t make me swoon.  
You’d better nut up, Aki-Kun.  
  
Fei: I taught you how; it should prepare you now.  
You’re as practical as a radical. Like you fart rainbows that sparkle? *Audience throws glitter*  
    Audience: Hey, who farted?  
Fei: Your Asami also has a dark will.  
  
Fei: Are you in shock? Well, it will end soon.  
You’d better nut up, Aki-Kun.  
The well-drugged wine makes you feel fine.  
  
Aki: My head…is swimming.  
    Audience: Is it doing the backstroke?  
Mayu: I don’t feel so good.  
    Audience: You don’t look so good.  
Asami: I can’t believe I didn’t taste it.  
    Audience: I can’t believe I ate the whole thing.  
Fei: You’re all drugged and in a highly suggestible state. Only I am in full command of my senses.  
    Audience: Yeah right.  
Aki: We were tricked.  
    Audience: No shit, baka.  
Fei: It’s something you should be used to. A chance to let go can be nice.  
Mayu: You won’t find us all incapacitated. I assume this drug is some kind of an aphrodisiac with the hypnotic effect?  
Asami: You mean?  
    Audience: She’s been on it for years.  
Mayu: Similar drugs have been out in the Tokyo club scene for years. It makes it hard to think. Your senses are in a heightened, needy state. You will become susceptible to suggestion and feel good while doing whatever people tell you to do.  
Aki: You mean he’s going to leave us sitting mawky on the ship?  
  
Fei: Mawky, schmawky, Aki.  
  
Fei: You’d better nut up, Aki-Kun.  
You’d better nut up, before you cut up.  
You’d better nut up, Aki-Kun.  
  
Yuri (off stage): And then he cried out  
  
Aki: Stop!    Audience: More!  
  
Fei: Don’t start on your nagin’, be more like a dragon  
*Audience takes out dragon pendants and waves them*  
  
Asami: You’re a dragon, but you’d better not touch his schlong, Lui Feilong!  
*Fei takes out a tube and blows a dart into Asami’s neck and Asami crumples to the floor*  
  
Mayu: You’re a dragon, but you’d better not touch his schlong, Lui Feilong!  
*Fei blows a dart into Mayu’s neck and Mayu crumples to the floor*  
  
Aki: You’re a dragon…  
*Fei blows a dart into Aki’s neck and Aki crumples to the floor with his butt in the air*  
    Audience: Nice ass, Aki.  
  
Mitarai: My God! I can’t stand any more of this!  
    Audience: So sit down already.  
Mitarai: First, you spurn me for Sudou. Then, you throw him away like a used tissue for Yoh. You chew people up and then you spit them out again.  
    Audience: No, he swallows.  
Mitarai: I loved you.  
    Audience: What was that?  
Mitarai: Did you hear me? I loved you, and what did it get me?  
    Audience: a stretchy asshole  
Mitarai: Yeah, I’ll tell you: a big nothing. You are like a sponge; you take, take, take, and you drain others of their money and resources.  
    Audience: What part of “crime boss” did you not understand?  
Mitarai: Yeah, well I’ve had enough. You are going to choose between me and Yoh, the bastard who betrayed you.  
*Fei blows a dart into Mitarai’s neck and Mitarai crumples to the floor*  
Fei: It’s not easy having a good time.  
    Audience: Next time, try a Disney cruise  
Fei: Even these beautiful men do not please me. All my favorites turn on me. Even Yoh has let me down.  
*Fei looks at where Yoh still slumps in a corner on a chair *  
Fei: Yoh?  
*Fei size walks over and injects Yoh with some kind of syringe Fei had in his pocket*

Sakazaki: I grow tired of this ship. When are we going back to Hong Kong?  
Fei: I am grateful for your patience. You and Mikhail have behaved well in this affair. You will be rewarded. You will discover that when the mood takes me I can be quite generous.  
    Audience: How much do you charge for a hand job?  
Sakazaki: I ask for nothing!  
    Audience: Under 12inches  
Fei *Miffed*: and you shall receive it in abundance.  
*Fei starts flouncing off stage*  
    Audience: What’s your favorite food?  
Fei: Come, we must get ready for the floorshow.  
*Fei exits*  
    Audience: Hey Mikhail, eye fuck Sakazaki.  
*Sakazaki and Mikhail share a meaningful glance and the stage goes dark. The curtain drops.*  
  
*Yuri walks out to the right apron and is in a spotlight*  
    Audience: Psycho!  
Yuri: And so, by some extraordinary coincidence,  
    Audience: Heavy-handed plot manipulation  
Yuri: fate, it seemed, has decided that Asami and Aki should  
    Audience: fuck  
Yuri: catch up with Aoki Mayu, but it was to be  
    Audience: an orgy?  
Yuri: in a situation they had not foreseen.  
    Audience: an orgy  
Yuri: Within a few hours of being rescued by the ship, both Asami and Aki had been  
    Audience: Fucked silly.  
Yuri: objects of a twisted and sick desire. This in itself was proof that Feilong was a man of little morals  
    Audience: No morals  
Yuri: and some persuasion.  
    Audience: All persuasion  
Yuri: What further indignities would they be subjected to?  
    Audience: Cosplay?  
Yuri: And what is this floorshow that Fei spoke enough?  
    Audience: Where do you masturbate?  
Yuri: On a casino ship?  
    Audience: When do you masturbate?  
Yuri: In the middle of the night?  
    Audience: The rates are cheaper.  
Yuri: What diabolical plan had seized Fei’s twisted imagination?  
    Audience: The same one the put that giant stick up your ass.  
Yuri: From what has gone before it was clear that this was to be  
    Audience: a picnic?  
Yuri: no picnic.  
    Audience: Aww. And I brought ants.  
*Kill spotlight. Yuri exits*  
  
*The curtain rises, revealing Asami, Aki, Mitarai, and Yoh frozen in place posing on stage. Mayu is posed on the right apron. There is a skyline of Toyko as a backdrop. Fei is dancing around the others, fixing their clothes and adjusting their stance. Everyone is in sequined corsets, sequined panties, fishnets, and high heels. They all have dramatic kabuki style make up.*  
  
*Cue music*

Yaoi is My World  
(Tune of Rose Tint My World)

  
Fei *to Mitarai*: Sing now  
  
    Audience: How is sex with Sudou?  
Mitarai: It was weird when it all began.  
    Audience: Why is that?  
Mitarai: I was a vanilla romance fan.  
    Audience: Big shock  
Mitarai: But it was over when I had a plan  
    Audience: to get laid  
Mitarai: To get a scoop just by blowing a man.  
Now the only thing that gives me hope  
    Audience: Is smoking dope  
Mitarai: Is a blindfold and knotted rope  
    Audience: Kinky  
Mitarai: Yaoi is my world; keeps me sane in my trouble and pain.  
  
Fei *to Yoh*: Your turn  
  
Yoh: I am just here for Feilong  
    Audience: We know  
Yoh: Because his hair is nice and long  
    Audience: That’s so  
Yoh: And making me sing this song  
    Audience: Oh no!  
Yoh: Is really very all kinds of wrong.  
    Audience: Tell him, Yoh.  
Yoh: Now the only thing I want to know  
    Audience: is who to blow  
Yoh: is when we will all end this show  
    Audience: When you blow Fei  
Yoh: Yaoi is my world, keeps me sane in my trouble and pain.  
  
Fei: Sing Asami:  
  
Asami: You’re pissing me off.  
Where is Abratov?  
    Audience: Good question  
Asami: I’ll get even, you’ll see.  
    Audience: Can’t wait.  
Asami: Take this drug away.  
    Audience: Then what excuse would you have?  
Asami: Where is Aki? I feel sexy.  
What’s come over me?  
    Audience: Feilong  
Asami: Aki! Come by me and stay!  
  
Fei: Okay, Aki  
  
Aki: I feel balmy, oh Asami  
You know since you saw me,  
My heart has been all yours.  
You know just how to calm me.  
    Audience: What else?  
Aki: You’re hung like a salami.  
     *Audience cheers*  
I’m glad you kidnapped and awed me.  
Audience: Is that what you’re calling it?  
You look cute in your drawers.  
    Audience: Blow him a kiss  
*Aki blows Asami a kiss*  
  
*Fanfare as fog fills the stage and a large heart-shaped bed is pushed stage center by Baishe*

  
Don’t Dream it  
(tune of original Don’t Dream it)

  
Fei: Whatever happened to Debbie Marsh?  
    Audience: Who?  
Fei: The Big Heat mobster’s main dame.  
    Audience: Oh yeah.  
Fei: She’s been both rich and poor.  
Fei: Said rich is best for sure.  
And you all know that you feel just the same  
    Audience: Damn right!  
  
Fei: Give yourself over to pursuit of treasure.  
Fei: It’ll give you power over hearts, minds, and flesh.  
    Audience: What’s your plan?  
Fei: Being a bastard, beyond any measure.  
    Audience: What does the one ring do?  
Fei: Will make sure you rule over them all forever.  
  
*Fei stretches out on the bed*  
Fei: Come here and do me. Oh, oh, Oh!  
  
*Everyone on stage walks toward the bed. They caress Fei and each other. Orgy-like behavior ensues*  
    Audience: *Kissing and moaning sounds; Orgy-like behavior ensues*  
  
Fei: Don’t dream it, be it.  
Don’t dream it, be it.  
Don’t dream it, be it.  
Don’t dream it, be it.  
  
    Audience: Use the force, Mayu!  
Mayu *unfreezing herself*: Oh! We’ve got to get out of this trap!  
    Audience: Fei’s not a trap; he just has long hair,  
Mayu: Before these hot men sap my will.  
    Audience: Just enjoy it.  
Mayu: I’ve got to be strong and try to hang on, or mind will snap  
    Audience: crackle and pop  
Mayu: And my life, will be lived,  
    Audience: In a bowl of Rice Crispies  
Mayu: for BL.  
  
Asami: Still pissing me off. The fuck is Abratov?  
Audience: shut him up Aki  
*Aki kisses Asami*  
Aki: I love being a boy!  
  
*Music changes*

  
  
Wild, Yaoi-loving Thing  
(Same tune Wild and Untamed Thing)

Fei *While everyone in bed kisses parts of him*: My, my, my, mama, my, my, my, Mama, my, my, my-yyy  
I’m a wild Yaoi-loving thing.  
I’m like a dragon on the wing.  
You get a hit and your mind goes ping  
I can even make Asami sing.  
So let the orgy and the fights roll on.  
We’re gonna make it till the drug has gone, gone, gone.  
Yaoi is my world; keeps me sane in my trouble and pain.  
  
Audience: One, Two, Three, Four!  
  
All: We’re a wild Yaoi-loving thing.  
We’re like a dragon on the wing.  
You get a hit and your mind goes ping.  
We can even make Asami sing.  
So let the orgy and the fights roll on.  
We’re gonna make it till the drug has gone, gone, gone.  
Yaoi is my world; keeps me sane in my trouble and pain.  
(repeat once)  
  
*Mikhail and Sakazaki enter stage left. They are wearing matching Kappa tracksuits, large gold chains, and black dress shoes. Mikhail has an AK-47 assault rifle.*  
  
Mikhail: Lui Feilong, it’s all over.  
Your leadership's a failure.  
Your emotions too extreme.        Audience: Hairstyle  
Mikhail: I’ve commandeered this ship.    Audience: orgy  
Mikhail: You’re now are my prisoner.  
We return to Hong Kong.  
Prepare the casino’s deed.  
  
Fei: Wait.  
    Audience: Can you explain?  
I can explain.  
    Audience: Better do better than last week. He shot you last week.  
*Fei whispers to Mitarai and Yoh*  
Audience: Mitarai, get the lights. Yoh, go be mysterious  
  
*Cue music*

  
I’m All Alone  
(Tune of I’m going Home)

  
Fei: When my birth dad went away,  
Fei: “Die scum!” was all he had to say.  
    Audience: harsh.  
Fei: Now, I  
    Audience: want a pony?  
Fei: want to kill again  
    Audience: Freakin’ daddy issues.  
Fei: Because then that means I may  
rule... the Baishe wise guys.  
    Audience: So what’s wrong then?  
Fei: Through the hair in my eyes,  
I see a loveprize, but I’m alone.  
  
*Sakazaki yawns*  
    Audience: Sleazebag  
  
    Audience: Where do you masturbate?  
Fei: Everywhere  
    Audience: How is it?  
Fei: It’s been the same.  
All: Feeling  
    Audience: how do you feel when you bottom?  
Fei: like I need to take the reins  
All: Sealing  
Fei: love away like it’s a game  
All: Dealing  
    *Audience takes out cards*  
Fei: Card for status, cards for gain  
    *Audience throws cards*  
Fei: Cos I’ve ruled, oh, wise guys  
And through hair in my eyes,  
I see a loveprize, but I’m alone  
  
All: I’m all alone (repeat 3 times)  
  
Sakazaki: Save it for the fangirls.  
    Audience: Sleazebag  
Mikhail: That’s presumptuous, Fei. What makes you think I’ll leave you alone?  
    Audience: F  
Mikhail: You see,  
    Audience: K  
Mikhail, I’m not just taking the ship. When I said we return to Hong Kong, I meant you’d return as my property.  
     Audience: Fucktoy  
Mikhail: I am sorry if you found my words misleading, but you’re to remain…in service, to ensure the lives of your men.  
Mayu: You can’t mean every Baishe on this ship is drugged?  
Mikhail: Yes, and my men have boarded in force.  
Aki: You mean you’re going to keep him? Like a pet?  
Mayu: You saw what he did to Sudou. Fei needs to be stopped for the good of society.  
    Audience: Fuck society.  
Mikhail: Exactly. And now, Fei, kneel before me. Say goodbye to being a seme.  
    Audience: Goodbye being a seme.  
Mikhail: and hello to being a uke.  
    Audience: Hello being a uke. How’s the same-sex marriage going?  
*Mitarai screams. Mikhail shoots him in the shoulder and Mitarai goes down*  
     Audience: Oh shit, it’s loaded.  
*Fei starts to stumble backward*  
*Mikhail shoots Fei in the stomach and Fei falls backward*  
    Audience: Hey, you killed Kenny!  
Yoh: Bastard! *Runs to Fei’s body*  
*Yoh picks up Fei and starts to carry him away. Mikhail shoots Yoh in the back, but Yoh shields Fei and stumbles off stage*  
*Asami looks upset*  
Aki: You’ve killed them!  
    Audience: No shit, baka  
Sakazaki: I thought you had a thing for him? He seemed to like you.  
    Audience: Get paranoid Mikhail.  
Mikhail: He never liked me! He would never like me!  
    Audience: Suck up, Mayu.  
Mayu: You did right.  
*Yoh comes back on stage with his own riffle, backed up by several Baishe*  
Yoh: Surrender Mikhail.  
    Audience: What about Dorothy?  
Mikhail: What the fuck?  
    Audience: Yeah, what the fuck?  
Yoh: Our costumes are made of advanced technology nano-armor, and each sequin is comprised of ceramic plates utilizing boron carbide powder.  
    Audience: How convenient.  
Yoh: Fei is fine though I think you bruised him.  
    Audience: Thank God this is yaoi, or Fei might have died.  
Yoh: The Baishe have built up a tolerance to the drugs you tried to give them. Most of us on stage were faking it until you played your hand.  
*Mikhail looks a little relieved—then he pushes Sakazaki in between him and Yoh and runs off stage.*  
*Baishe come up and subdue Sakazaki and Mayu.*  
    Audience: Serves you right, bitch.  
Aki: Asami, did you know what was going on?  
Asami: Not really, but I suspected it was a trap. I won’t forgive Fei for making me sing.  
Yoh: Yes, well, I have an offer. Would you like us to take Mayu to your yacht? I contacted your men in Hong Kong and told them to bring it here. They have been waiting for us to be ready.  
Asami: That is a start.  
Aki: What will happen to Sakazaki?  
Yoh: I’d let Asami hit him, but Sakazaki seems to enjoy it.  
Sakazaki *Being roughly dragged along the stage*: Sweet submission, in the night. To dance once more to your burning pain.  
Mikhail’s voice off stage: Hah! But it’s the surge of lust  
Baishe: That makes us give you such pain.  
Sakazaki: In Hong Kong, I’ll do the Soul Warp again!

  
*Asami and Aki leave the stage, and others start to clean up*  
  
Yuri’s voice: And crawling  
    Audience: Where?  
Yuri: on the Casino’s deck.  
    Audience: Who?  
Yuri: The survivors of a terrible wreck  
    Audience: What?  
Yuri: Holding hands  
And saving face,  
Still dreaming.  
 

   Audience: Don’t forget to shoot Yuri  
*Silence*  
    Audience: Shit. They forget every week.  
*Curtain falls*

*Cue music*

  
  
Yaoi Fiction Extra Feature Reprise

  
Ai’s voice (off stage): Yaoi Fiction extra feature  
Fei has played and  
teased his teacher.  
Baishe have conquered  
Mikhail Abratov  
Yoh’s wearing armor  
Mik never thought of  
Oh, oh, oh oh, oh oh oh  
In the Finder’s slightly twisted love photo  
I wanna go  
See the Finder’s slightly twisted love photo.  
  
The end?


End file.
